Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy
Parker…..Chris Parnell
Rhonda…..Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Employee…..Chris Kattan
[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]
Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?
Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?
Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it’s got to be thecoolest computer in the world!
Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by “cool”, you mean a computer thatdoesn’t have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it’sthe fondue of computers, Dilbert!
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you’re not letting Parker corrupt your harddrive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?
Rhonda: Oh, don’t worry. This guy’s not getting anywherenear my hard drive!
Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4tower.
Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can’t runQuicken on her.
Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, becauseshe shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!
Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya’ been?
Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those moronson the 3rd floor. They’re trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall withoutthe proxy set. Can you believe that?
Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!
Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.
Rhonda: Here’s one of Jerry’s Kids now.
Employee: What was that?
Nick Burns: She said you’re one of Jerry’s Kids. Now, what do youwant?
Employee: My laptop’s messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.
Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where’d you get that, the “Antiques Road Show”?
Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could takea look at your copy of “Tron” on BetaMax.
Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!
Employee: You guys gonna help me?
Nick Burns: Show me what you’re doing..
Employee: Well, I’m trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..
Nick Burns: Uh-huh.
Employee: ..and then I pushed..
Nick Burns: Yeah.
Employee: ..this button, and I..
Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Interneton this thing? It looks like it’s got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]
Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]
Employee: Can you.. can you do that?
Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]
Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just frozeup. I need an e-mail – it’s very important, it’s for a report that I’mdoing today.
Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?
Employee: No.
Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here – we’ll do some carbon-dating on it!
Employee: I don’t like you guys. [ exits ]
Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we’ll use anAtari 2600!
Nick Burns: That’s a good one, Rhonda!
Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.
Parker: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospectremote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.
Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents,not your third-party software!
Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]
Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go homeand back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?
Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What’s your screen name again?
Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don’t do this to me.
Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can’t remember. What is it?
Parker: [ low ] “Sexyman 48”.
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?
Parker: “Sexyman 48”!
Rhonda: Okay, see you later, “Sexyman”!
[ Parker exits ]
Nick Burns: That guy’s a real geek! He gives us computertechnicians a bad name, you know?
Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom’s basem*nt!
Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent’s high. Rent’s high.Rent’s high.
Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you..and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you doabout computers. I think it’s.. sexy.
Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to myMom’s crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look atsome games..
[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off -they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]
Rhonda: Oh, damn!
Nick Burns: You?
Rhonda: It’s me. It’s those idiots in Marketing. They probablyneed grief counseling because Pets.com went under. I gotta go. [ starts towalk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..
Nick Burns: Me, too..
[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]
Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way – you’re welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]
Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!”
SNL Transcripts
Author: Don Roy King
Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.View all posts by Don Roy King
